Friday, September 27, 2013

Goodies in the Mail: FEARtober from FearNet

Heya, Hipsters!

The Package

The fine folks over at FEARnet decided to really make my day by sending the above package directly to my doorstep in celebration of their upcoming FEARtober festivities.


I was tickled pink to see Sam from perennial fan favorite Trick 'R' Treat staring back at me from the inside of the lid.  Here's a closer look:

Sam Lookin' Back At Me

Diving through the contents like a kid on Christmas, I was very pleased with what I found.

Paper Sam
My very own Sam paper doll.
Pumpkin Projects
A set of four very cool jack-o-lantern patterns.
31 Days 'Til Halloween
A Halloween advent (excuse me, badvent) calendar.  No peeking!
Suck It, Sam!
And, perhaps coolest of all, a Sam Sucker of my very own.

To read more about the awesomeness that is FEARtober, click right....HERE.

Thanks, FEARnet!
--J/Metro

Friday, September 20, 2013

Movie Review: Jacob (2011)

Jacob
JACOB - DVD Cover Image

Written & directed by Larry Wade Carrell

Jacob...Dylan Horne
Billy/Otis...Larry Wade Carrell
Sissy...Grace Powell

It's 1979 in the small town of Melvin Falls, Texas, and trouble is always brewing at the old Kell place. When the sheriff isn't out there on a domestic disturbance call, the deputy is dealing with complaints of Jacob, the hulking mentally-challenged son of the abused Edith. In fact, the only person that has any sort of control over Jacob is his unconditionally loving younger sister, and when she is taken away from him, there's no longer anything holding him back from full-on homicidal mayhem.

JACOB - Jacob and Sissy

This is a lower budget film, and that really shows on a few occasions. Some of the acting is extremely rocky, and the old-age makeup used on once or twice is less-than-stellar.  The plot moves along rather slowly sometimes, and yet I found that I enjoyed this movie when viewed with the proper goggles.  For the first 2/3 of the movie, it's not a horror film but rather a dark drama.  The horror doesn't kick in until the final third of the movie, and that's when it becomes something less.  It goes from a white trash gothic to just another slasher film, with a little bit of ghost business mixed in.

JACOB - Spooky house

Where it stands out from the pack, though, is its beautiful locations.  It's a widescreen buffet of eerie natural backgrounds that the cinematographer captures well in every single shot.  Even if the movie were a complete loss, you could pause on the scenery and treat it as a book of photography.

Worth a watch, even if it won't blow your mind.

JACOB - spooky Texas woods

2011
Not Rated
91 Minutes
Color
English
United States

--J/Metro

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Movie Review: Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

Hack-O-Lantern
HACK-O-LANTERN - VHS Cover Image

Written by Carla Robinson
Directed by Jag Mundhra

Tommy...Gregory Scott Cummins
Grandpa...Hy Pyke
Amanda...Katina Garner

As a young boy, Tommy believes that his grandfather is just a harmless eccentric with an affinity for Halloween. He associates with the old man despite his parents' wishes, and when Tommy's father tries to intervene, he is struck down with the awesome power of Satan. For you see, Gramps is not just some October-friendly kook. He is a fearsome warlock who leads an evil cult, and he has staked his claim on Tommy.

HACK-O-LANTERN - Grandpa

Years later, Tommy has grown into a heavy metal outcast whose life is being shaped by Grandpa's influence. And now, on this Halloween, Grandpa is promising him a ritual that will fulfill his lifelong destiny.

It's a decidedly 80s horror movie that should be preserved on VHS forever, as any other format would just seem like cheating. It's sleazy, cheesy and occasionally campy, but is a prime example of that home horror heyday, when genre fans everywhere were being born in the soothing glow of television screens of basements across America. When heavy metal belonged to the devil, and the possibilities of badassery seemed endless. When bad fashion wasn't just a choice...it was a way of life.

HACK-O-LANTERN - Who Is That Masked Man?

Murder, incest, soapy nipples, satanism, horrible hair-metal music videos, drastic fashions, Halloween atmosphere, cemetery shenanigans, a completely random standup comedy routine, and a mysterious masked slasher hacking up teens..it's all right here. Crack open a frosty beverage and enjoy the hell out of it, hipsters.

HACK-O-LANTERN - Those Crazy Satanists

AKA: Halloween Night

1988
Rated R
87 Minutes
Color
English
USA

"Trick or treat, give me all your candy or I'll blow your head off!"
--J/Metro

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Movie Review: Little Cigars (1973)

Little Cigars
Little Cigars - Movie Poster

Written by Louis Garfinkle & Frank Ray Perilli
Directed by Chris Christenberry
Produced by Albert Band

Cleo...Angel Tompkins
Slick Bender...Billy Curtis

After the beautiful Cleo burns (quite literally) her mobster boyfriend, she hits the road. Finding herself pursued by the mafia, she hooks up with a gang of small-time little people crooks. She uses her seductive ways to up the ante on the whole operation, and pretty soon they've gone from pickpocketing easy marks to pulling off some genuine heists.

Little Cigars - The little rascals

This one's going to be quick, because I find that I have very little to say.  I was expecting a sleazy, exploitative romp with this movie. Boy, was I disappointed. This was a slow-moving, dull, and overall unsuccessful attempt at a crime-comedy. The sole selling point seems to be the bunch of midgets--their term, not mine--but whatever novelty that may have once held has long since evaporated. Even the tall and beautiful Cleo bedding down with the short and not-so-handsome Slick fails to shock. If things had pushed the boundaries more--if this were rated R instead of PG, for instance--then maybe this could have been a guilty pleasure. Instead, it's just guilty of wasting my time.

Little Cigars - Angel Tompkins

The only thing this movie has going for it is Angel Tompkins, who is a stone cold fox (as the kids these days are saying).  She was put to much better use in 1974's The Teacher.  Go watch that one, instead.

Little Cigars - Angel Tompkins

1973
Rated PG
92 Minutes
Color
English
United States

--J/Metro

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