Well, hipsters, it's been a long 24 hours. We've covered every damn Friday the 13th film in existence, and a decent sized chunk of the comic books as well. But there's still one post left...a bonus TWENTY-FIFTH POST graciously donated by my oldest and closest friend Jimmy Retro. Last year he gave us A Gay Man's Take on Michael Myers. This year, he's closing things out by tackling Jason Voorhees.
A Gay Man’s Take on Jason Voorhees
A Special Guest Post by Jimmy Retro
Out of the twenty or so films featuring the hockey-masked slayer, I’ve probably only seen four of the Friday the 13th flicks. The theme is more or less the same in all of the renditions, save for the change of venue from Crystal Lake to outer space, and the periodic mash-ups with other murderous villains. Because the premise doesn’t change drastically, however, I feel I can accurately say that Jason Voorhees is the most badass killer of all of horrordom. Although the other big contenders such as Michael Myers and Freddie Krueger also seem unstoppable, Jason Voorhees’ death at each and every movie’s end is never convincing (and sometimes his death isn’t even implied). I never get a sense that he’s gone for good. The movie ends simply because there is none of the cast left to kill, and we have to wait another year or so for another group of unsuspecting campers to be terrorized in the most brutal and creative of ways. Even if they put him through a Vitamix Blender and made him into Voorhees butter, you know that a lightning strike or power surge would simply reform his DNA and thus another sequel.
This awesome invincibility of Jason gives birth to what I want to discuss: how incredibly sexy I find him! Yes, I know that the idea of a mad psychotic supernatural murderer being sexy is hard to swallow; but as a gay man, I find swallowing to never really be that difficult. I realize my attraction to him is insanely dangerous and impractical. He’d have his axe up my backside faster than I can ask him if he wants to grab coffee—and he might even kill me too! Despite this risk, I consider it a worthwhile challenge.
The way I see it, Jason always gets what he wants, and that is outrageously attractive. The same reason why millionaires and presidents seem to land any woman they desire is the same quality I suggest Jason has going for him—power. I just imagine that if I were in the throes of passion with him, the idea that he could take me any way he wanted would leave me begging and wanton. He carries himself in a very determined way. He doesn’t waste time in seeking out his victim. I think with the softest of touches and a very careful wink or two, his pursuit of me wouldn’t end with me up in a sleeping bag, dangling from a tree limb just over a raging fire (one of his classic tricks). Rather, after a little chase through the woods, perhaps there could be room for two in that sleeping bag, and it would heat up all right, and wood would be involved...but the fire would be smothered in lustful kisses.
Now I wish I could say there have been hints throughout the movie of Jason's sexuality. This does not really seem to be the case, except for the fact that perhaps he’s a bit of a momma’s boy. We know he doesn’t hurt women who remind him of his mom; and also it seems that he saves the more brutal killings for people who are a little less moral. But virgins are often saved for the end in these type of movies, so the anecdote is weak at best. What I would suggest, is that his absence of sexuality makes room for a sexuality to be suggested or impressed upon him. Everyone needs a little lovin’ once in a while, and if his main mission is to kill, who cares who’s giving him that lovin’? Well, I’d like to be the one to try.
Just what does this big burly man look like under his mask? It doesn’t matter. That mask adds a bit of kinky fun to him. We already know he can thrust a knife. I can teach him to thrust something else. I’d whisper to him, “It’s okay, Jason, Pamela would’ve wanted it this way”.
Again, I know my fixation with Jason is dangerous. I see what he’s done to people. He killed a dude on a motorboat with an arrow through the head. But I also see how he could simply be misunderstood, and has developed his demeanor as a result of being unloved. Maybe I too could shoot an arrow...through his heart.
I don’t know how I can go about convincing him to give me a go. He’s not the type of guy that can be won over by talking about football or the gym. No, I might have to show him that I do not judge his ways, just as I, as a gay man, ask society to not judge me for my actions. Instead of cowering in fear, I would help him. He wants to put someone’s head through a coat hook? I’ll hold the door, like any gentleman would do. He wants to cut power to the cabin of partying teens? I’ll call the electric company. Drastic measures that would likely make me an accomplice to murder, but the affairs of the heart beats out all logic in some cases. And being in a relationship with him may make it easier to think with my heart, not with my head.
Especially if he’s decapitated me.