Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cabra Cini: Voodoo Junkie Hitwoman (Free Online Comic)

Indie comic creator Sam Johnson dropped me a line today and asked me to check out the debut of his comic book character Cabra Cini: Voodoo Junkie Hitwoman.  Which I did, and now I'm encouraging all of you readers to do the same.  Here's the blurb:


"No longer willing to let her boyfriend/pimp treat her like dirt, Cabra Cini got lethal payback with the help of voodoo magik--and liked it. Voodoo became her new addiction and Cabra has cleaned up her act and forged a deadly new vocation"

The story "Voodoo Trespass" appears in the Visionary Comics anthology Digital Visions #4.  It's all too brief, actually, and hopefully is meant to serve more as an introduction to the character than a true Cabra Cini story, but it has some promising aspects to it.  As many of you hipsters know, I love me some voodoo!  I'd be interested in seeing where Sam goes with the character.

Click HERE to read the story (and the rest of the anthology) for free.  That's right, free!  You can't beat the price.


--J/Metro

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Daddy's Girl (1996)

Daddy's Girl

Written by Steve Pesce
Directed by Martin Kitrosser

Don...William Katt
Barbara...Michelle Greene
Jody...Gabrielle Boni
Karen...Roxana Zal

Barbara and Don Mitchell are having their fair share of marital problems. For starters, Don has quit his well-paying job in order to follow his dreams of being a toymaker, meaning that Barbara has to put in twelve hour days at her catering job to stave off the bill collectors. On top of that, Barbara's overbearing mother is always making discouraging comments about their marriage, and Don's brother has recently passed away--leading them to taking in his teenage niece Karen. That's a lot for anyone to deal with.


Oh, and did I forget to mention that their adopted young daughter Jody is actually a homicidal maniac, willing to kill anyone who stands between her and the love of her father?


Don is, of course, completely oblivious to everything that is happening, while Barbara is too busy to even notice. Only Karen, playing the part of Nancy Drew, has her suspicions, and is willing to follow them through to the end.

This is certainly not the first--nor the last--Killer Kid flick to appear on video shelves. The story is overly familiar, and it adds absolutely nothing new to the mix. We've all seen this before: It's The Good Son with daddy issues; it's Orphan without that third-reel lethal lolita twist. The point is, you know exactly how this movie is going to play out even before the opening credits begin to roll.

So why bother watching it at all?

Because you may have seen this before. But you've never seen it with William Katt. Screw the naysayers, he truly is the Greatest American Hero in this beatnik's eyes--even if he isn't sporting his trademark white boy afro anymore.


Besides, sometimes it's a bit of a comfort to sit down with a movie that follows the conventions of the genre that you know so well. There's solace in repetition...at least in moderation.  It can still be enjoyed even if it doesn't offer up any new surprises.  If you've got a free evening, make it a triple-feature with The Stepfather and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle for a fucked-up family-thon.

1996
Rated R
95 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"Try to stay calm, Grandma."
--J/Metro

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Ruins (2008)

The Ruins

Written by Scott B. Smith
Directed by Carter Smith

Jeff...Jonathan Tucker
Amy...Jena Malone
Eric...Shawn Ashmore
Stacy...Laura Ramsey
Mathias...Joe Anderson


Four American tourists vacationing in Mexico, and their two recently-acquired foreign compatriots (one a German and one a Greek), head into the jungle in search of adventure at the site of an ancient Mayan temple.  They get more than they bargain for when, upon their arrival, they are held at bay by an army of Mayans armed with firearms and longbows.  They are held prisoner at the ruins.  No, more than that.  They are quarantined, although they can not understand why.


It doesn't take long for them to realize that the Mayans are not their biggest threats at the ruins.  The hill upon which they are stranded is covered with a mysterious vine, which moves at its own volition--and that's the least of the tricks it has in its bag.

Forget Audrey II.  This vine is a real man-eater.


Jeff is the leader of the group, the proverbial boy scout with a talent for survivalism.  His girlfriend is Amy, who gets a little on the slutty side when she drinks.  Her best friend Stacy is the good girl, perhaps a little flaky.  Her boyfriend Eric is the scruffy goofball who always has a wiseass comment to add to any conversation.  Mathias is the German, who invites them all on this journey.  And Dimitri is the Greek who...well, doesn't speak a lick of English, and so we don't know a damn thing about him.

These six conflicting personalities should have been more on display once the shit hit the fan, showcasing how quickly people can turn against each other in stressful situations.  Unfortunately, this is only touched upon and never played up to full effect.

In fact, that's my general complaint about the entire film.  Nothing was played up to full effect--the relationships, the stress of the situation, the horror, the feeling of complete isolation--only the gruesome scenes of amateur surgery lived up to their potential.  Everything else came up short.


It is quite possible that I'm being overly critical of the movie because I had finished reading the book upon which it was based only days before seeing it.  The book, being over 500 pages long, had the ability to take its time, build up the tension, give the characters--and the readers--a chance to get used to the (let's face it) generally ridiculous nature of the plot.  Films are always hard-pressed to live up to their written counterparts, as they have to jump more quickly into the story and work with the limitations and the strengths of the medium.

What I absolutely could not get past, however, is how drastically things are changed from the book to the film.  I understand that certain plot points had to be edited out for time.  What I don't understand is why every single major event that takes place in the book happens to a different character in the movie.  It seemed pointless to me, and, as a reader of the novel, more of a distraction than anything else.

If you've seen the movie but haven't read the book, I suggest you do so.  If you've read the book but haven't seen the movie?  I suggest you just read the book again.

2008
Rated R
90 Minutes
Color
English
United States

--J/Metro

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Frogs (1972)

Frogs

Written by Robert Hutchinson & Robert Blees
Directed by George McCowan

Picket Smith...Sam Elliot
Karen Crockett...Joan Van Ark
Jason Crockett...Ray Milland

The private island owned by wealthy, wheelchair-bound industrialist Jason Crockett is being overrun with creatures of all shapes and sizes.  Beyond the titular frogs, there is also a proliferation of lizards, spiders, snakes, and all manner of creepy-crawlies under the sun.  With the entire Crockett family in attendance for an annual Fourth of July celebration, all of whom are filled with contempt and complaint regarding the animal kingdom, Jason attempts to murderize the unwanted guests using pesticides, poisons, and fire arms...anything that he can get his paws on.


Enter Picket Smith, a freelance ecology photographer, who becomes an unexpected houseguest at the Crockett estate following an accident that capsizes his green-minded canoe.  When the island's animals become more and more aggressive, and one dead body turns up, and then two, Smith theorizes that nature is tired of being kicked around by Jason Crockett and his ilk.  That is to say, Gaia is mad as hell, and she's not going to take it anymore!


Nature Strikes Back is a peculiar sub-genre of the horror film.  They don't really seem to come in cycles, at least not so often as other sub-genres (slashers, vampires, etc)...they just seem to crop up from time to time, then vanish back into the woodwork.  When done well, they can be quite good (Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds), and when done poorly they can run from ridiculous (Night of the Lepus, anyone?) to enjoyable cheese (Slugs or Squirm, for instance).  Unfortunately, much of the time they turn out like Frogs:  just plain boring.  At least to me.

I should have known what I was getting into during the opening credits.  Not every film has to jump right into the action, but this was the most mind-numbingly dull first five minutes in my memory.  Have you ever watched someone take photographs for five full minutes?  It's far from exciting.  You may as well be watching paint dry.


And that's pretty much the way I felt through a large chunk of this movie.  It was slow moving, and padded liberally with shots of bullfrogs just...being bullfrogs.  It felt like I was watching a National Geographic documentary with the informative narration turned off.

I would have rather watched it with the picture turned off.


1972
Rated PG
91 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"The frogs are thinking now.  The snails are planning strategy."
--J/Metro

Friday, March 25, 2011

Carnie Flicks on TCM (03.25.11/03.26.11)

A two-ring circus of creepy carnival flicks is playing on Turner Classic Movies late tonight/early tomorrow morning.  Pop some popcorn, hipsters!

2:00am Carnival Magic (1982)
An animal tamer plots revenge when a magician with a talking chimp overshadows his carnival act.
Cast: Don Stewart, Jennifer Houlton, Mark Weston, Howard Segal Dir: Al Adamson C-86 mins

3:45am Berserk (1967)
A lady ringmaster milks the publicity from a string of murders.
Cast: Joan Crawford, Ty Hardin, Diana Dors, Michael Gough Dir: Jim O'Connolly C-96 mins, TV-PG

Short Film: The Animalmen

Heya, Hipsters!

I received an e-mail the other day from indie filmmaker Jarrett DePasquale, asking me to check out his short film The Animalmen.

New York film critic Armond White calls it "a charming short with its own vivid color scheme and sense of humor [that] shows the lasting influence of the French New Wave."

I just call it a darkly humorous, hip little flick about disaffected youth who want to start a revolution, despite the fact that they seem to have no idea what they should be rebelling against.  It looks great, it sounds great, and it will take less than 20 minutes out of your day.  So please give it a look-see, and show some indie love.


And how fucking cool are these posters!?
julien

veronique diabolique

paul
 
Okay, so what are you waiting for?  Watch the movie already!

THE ANIMALMEN from Jarrett DePasquale on Vimeo.
 


--J/Metro

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Daughters of Satan (1972)

Daughters of Satan

Written John C. Higgins
Directed by Hollingsworth Morse

James Robertson...Tom Selleck
Chris Robertson...Barra Grant

Art writer James Robertson purchases an antique painting from a kooky shopkeeper, not because it's a particuarly tasteful piece, or even particularly good.  But the scene that it depicts--a small group of witches being burned at the stake--for some reason speaks to him.  And not just because he's some closeted sadist (I'm only guessing here), but also because the beautiful witch at the center of the painting looks strikingly similar to his equally beautiful wife Chris.


James presents it to Chris as a gift, but she is just as repelled by it as he is attracted to it.  Defying her wishes to get rid of the damned thing, James instead hangs it proudly on the wall, and a short time later, very strange things begin to happen.

New household help shows up at the front door, although it's unclear if either James or Chris actually placed an ad.  A vicious dog named Nicodemus appears, and wants desperately to make mincemeat of James' hindquarters.  Figures in the paintings, corresponding with these new arrivals, begin to fade from the canvas, as if they were leaving the past in favor of the present.

Silly bastard.  He should have bought a nude.

It's all slow-paced, and really rather silly.  There's not a lot of logic to be found amongst the goings-on, only a few literary and religious allusions that seem just out of reach.  Some of the costuming was ridiculous, so much so that the Grand Poobah of the Daughters of Satan (or whatever) seems like she would have been right at home next to Adam West on TV's Batman.


This is cheesy camp, pure and simple, tame by anybody's standards.  In fact, if it weren't for the occasional glimpse of nudity (we get nipple within the first 45 seconds!), this could easily have passed for a particularly ballsy, but particularly ineffective, made-for-TV movie.

All in all, everything that is bad about this film are the same things that make it enjoyable.  At least moderately so.  Whether or not you'll want to sit down and watch it will probably depend on how big a fan of Magnum P.I. you are.


1972
Rated R
90 Minutes
Color
English
United States/Philipines

"A secret cult of lust-craved witches torturing with fire and desire!"
--J/Metro

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

An All New Four Night Event...




There will be face-kicking.
Oh yes...there will be face-kicking.

--J/Metro

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Nightmare Man (2006)

Nightmare Man

Written & Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky

Bill...Luciano Szafir
Ellen...Blythe Metz
Mia...Tiffany Shepis
Trinity...Hanna Putnam

Because they are having difficulty conceiving, Ellen and her husband Bill order an African fertility mask--presumably from Craigslist, or maybe FertilityMasks.com.  When it arrives, it is a much uglier visage than she imagined, and wants to be rid of it.  But it's much too late for that.  The mask has somehow taken ahold of her, and now every time she drifts off to sleep, she finds herself hunted in her dreams by a demonoid slasher known as the Nightmare Man.


Flash forward to an indeterminate point in the future, and the not-so-happy couple are en route to a mental hospital, where Ellen will be receiveing the care that she needs.  In typical slasher fashion, they suffer from car trouble and cellphone trouble simultaneously.  As Bill treks off to seek help, the Nightmare Man escapes from Ellen's dreams and into her reality.

Fleeing from her pursuer, Ellen seeks refuge in a secluded cabin housing four Pretty Young Persons, interrupting a game of erotic truth or dare.


Bitch.

Young attractive cast... in the woods... hunted by some supernatural stalker... no way to get to safety... no way to call for help...  How fucking original.  Despite a few minor tweaks in the equation, this is just another run-of-the-mill, B-grade slasher flick, pretty much like every other run-of-the-mill, B-grade slasher flick you've ever seen.  There are two certain "twists" about an hour in, but I had mostly figured out the first one before hand, so it didn't do much to keep me interested.  The second one was, admittedly, unexpected.  But so is biting into an apple and finding half of a worm.

If you took a knock off Nightmare on Elm Street, and strained it through a knock off The Screaming Skull, this is pretty much the result. 


Writer-Director Kanefsky does have a few (rather unknown) genre titles under his belt, but for the most part his background is in, shall we say, erotica.  A quick glance at his IMDB page turns up titilating titles such as Sex Files: Alien Erotica, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, and Emmanuelle Vs. Dracula--so I suppose one could assume that his heart has always been in horror, even when the rest of him was in something (or someone) else.  On a technical level, Nightmare Man, wasn't bad, but creatively speaking, it just wasn't as good as it could have been.  Still, any movie with the delicious Ms. Shepis can't be all bad, can it?

Kanefsky posted a "director's statement" at the IMDB message board for the film, which I encourage you all to read by clicking HERE.  I respect him for sticking up for his work in an honest and calm fashion, and wish him the best in his future projects.

The End.
2006
Rated R
89 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"Fuckin' A! About time someone clocked that crazy bitch!
--J/Metro

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Jean-Luc Godard on TCM (03.20.11/03.21.11)

Turner Classic Movies is playing back-to-back Jean-Luc Godard capers late tonight/early tomorrow morning.  Better brew some coffee, hipsters!

2:00am Band Of Outsiders (1964)
Two crooks obsessed with Hollywood crime movies plot a big heist.
Cast: Anna Karina, Sami Frey, Claude Brasseur, Louisa Colpeyn Dir: Jean-Luc Godard BW-96 mins, TV-14

4:00am Breathless (1960)
A small-time hood hides out from the cops with his American girlfriend.
Cast: Jean Seberg, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Liliane David, Daniel Boulanger Dir: Jean-Luc Godard BW-90 mins, TV-MA

Open House (1988)

Open House (1988)

Written by David M. Evans
Directed by Jag Mundhra

Dr. David Kelly...Joseph Bottoms
Toby...Page Mosley
Lisa Grant...Adrienne Barbeau
Shapiro...Robert Miano
Resnik...Barry Hope

In Los Angeles, there's always one psychopath or another stalking the streets, terrorizing the populace, and titilating the media.  This week it is the Open House Killer that is getting all the attention--a dusty madman in cowboy boots, fingerless gloves and trench coat who gets his jollies by murdering beautiful real estate brokers in the houses that they are trying to sell.  I don't give a damn about location, location, location...that just can't be good for business.


Radio psychologist Dr. David Kelly has a two-fold interest in the case:  The first, of course, is just his general professional curiosity.  The second, though, is something a little more personal.  His girlfriend, Lisa Grant, just so happens to be a beautiful real estate broker attempting to sell properties in the same area.


When a patient calling himself Harry calls his show, ranting and raving about how all those snooty real estate bitches got exactly what they deserved, a theory begins circulating that Harry is actually the killer.  Shapiro, the detective on the case, is certain that the solution could not be so simple.

But could it be?

Open House absolutely reeks of the 1980s.  Big hair, bad music, bizarre fashions, and laughably outdated technology permeate the entire film.  Unfortunately, that's the not the only thing it reeks of.  The slow-moving plot barely plods along; the characters are thin and lifeless; the special effects are restrained except in only a few select scenes.  And it's not that the acting is bad, per se, but the over-acting is absolutely terrible--some of the character reactions when a body turns up are the most ridiculously over-the-top performances this side of dinner theater.  The filmmakers know this, and so they throw in the occasional pointless (but welcome) nude scene--to try to make you forget that you're losing 90 minutes of your life.

Even the conclusion is predictable and unsatisfying, lacking any sort of common sense.  I can't in good faith reccomend this garbage to much of anyone, but the very special cameo appearance of Adrienne Barbeau's nipple might convince you that small pleasure is worth the pain.

If you're into that sort of thing...


1988
Rated R
95 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"Psychoanalyze that!"
--J/Metro

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Genre Films on TCM (03.19.11)

There's a couple of flicks playing on Turner Classic Movies tonight that some of you may be interested in.  Take a look!

4:00pm In The Heat Of The Night (1967)
A black police detective from the North forces a bigoted Southern sheriff to accept his help with a murder investigation.
Cast: Sidney Poitier, Rod Steiger, Warren Oates, Lee Grant Dir: Norman Jewison C-110 mins, TV-14

6:00pm Thunder Road (1958)
A fast-driving moonshiner locks horns with a Chicago gangster.
Cast: Robert Mitchum, Gene Barry, Jacques Aubochon, Keely Smith Dir: Arthur Ripley BW-93 mins, TV-PG

12:00am Devil Doll, The (1936)
A Devil's Island escapee shrinks murderous slaves and sells them to his victims as dolls.
Cast: Lionel Barrymore, Maureen O'Sullivan, Frank Lawton, Rafaela Ottiano Dir: Tod Browning BW-78 mins, TV-PG

Friday, March 18, 2011

Genre Films on TCM (03.18.11)

Turner Classic Movies is playing a pair of 1980s creature features late tonight/early tomorrow morning.  You KNOW you don't want to miss these!

2:00am Boogens, The (1982)
Four vacationing college students unearth deadly creatures locked up in an abandoned mine.
Cast: Rebecca Balding, Fred McCarren, Anne-Marie Martin, Jeff Harlan Dir: James L. Conway C-95 mins, TV-MA

3:45am Ghoulies (1985)
A young man's obsession with controlling demonic forces threatens all around him.
Cast: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Michael Des Barres, Jack Nance Dir: Luca Bercovici C-81 mins, TV-14

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Cold Storage (2009)

Cold Storage

Written by Tony Elwood and Mark Kimray
Directed by Tony Elwood

Melissa Adams...Casey Leet
Cathy Adams...Joelle Carter
Derek...Matt Kislar
Clive Mercer...Nick Searcy

Stage actress Melissa Adams leaves her home behind for the small town of Rainers Point, Tennessee, where she has scored a prime theatrical role.  Just outside of town, though, she is ejected from her vehicle following a freak accident.  She is found, trembling and bleeding on the blacktop, by off-kilter backwoods romantic Clive Mercer, who believes that she is a "Gift From God".


Clive takes her home and cleans her up, then quickly falls in love with the unmoving and strangely-quiet Melissa.  He bathes her, he cooks dinner for her, he holds one-sided conversations with her, and he even takes her sightseeing in town.  A regular Romeo, this one.

When Melissa's sister Cathy and boyfriend Derek discover that she never checked into her motel, much less made it to her debut performance, the two set aside their differences and strike out in search of her.  But Clive is not likely to let his beloved go without a fight.


I was expecting a cheap, shot-on-video cheeser when I sat down to watch Cold Storage, so I was suitably impressed with what I found.  Although of a lower budget, the cheapness does not shine through.  The performances are pretty solid all around, the musical scoring is fitting, and the camera work is fluid and impressive--to the point where it tracked a fly as it buzzed about the room.

Plotwise, it was disturbing and chilling although not outright scary.  There were moments of tenderness found within Clive's dealings with Melissa, momentarily making you feel sorry for him--which is a pretty stunning feat, when you think about it.  There was an odd sense of dark humor running throughout the film, too, found in just the right doses: enough to break up a little tension, but not to take you out of the story.


The pacing could have been better, as it dragged slightly in some spots, and the ending could have had some sort of a twist to it to prevent it from being so predictable, but overall, a pretty solid sick flick that deserves an audience.  Well worth the price of admission--free on Netflix Instant Watch.

2009
Rated R
95 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"Every summer this town is taken over by pansies and drug addicts"
--J/Metro

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Soundtracks from Oldies.com

I was browsing Oldies.com, and came across a number of soundtracks that I thought some of you might be interested in.  There's a certain 'collecter kitsch' associated with vinyl records, so let's start there.

Across 110th Street $10.95
Black Belt Jones $10.95
Black Caeser $10.95
Dawn of the Dead (Goblin Version) $17.50
Death Proof $13.95
Dolemite $10.95
Elephant Man $21.95
Foxy Brown $10.95
Mulholland Drive $28.95
Slaughter's Big Rip-Off $10.95
El Topo $15.95

The following are all on CD, and while they're not all soundtracks, I thought they might still be of interest.

At the Mountains of Madness (Radio Drama) $16.82
Bat Boy (Stage Musical) $9.99
Battlestar Galactica (25th Ann. Soundtrack) $11.88
Bela Lugosi: Hollywood's Dracula (Compilation) $7.02
Blade Runner (Orchestra Score) $6.78
Blue Velvet (Score) $14.43
Bram Stoker's Dracula (3 Disc Performance) $16.13
Bride of Frankenstein (Score) $14.43
Cabin Fever (Soundtrack) $14.43
Cannibal Holocaust (Remastered Soundtrack) $13.58
Carnival of Souls (Soundtrack) $12.73
Coffy (Soundtrack) $8.48
Dario Argento Vol.1: Argento Vivo (Soundtrack Compilation) $11.29
Dawn of the Dead (Unreleased Incidental Music) $15.53
Debbie Does Dallas (Stage Musical) $16.13
Demoni/Nightmare Beach/Rage (Soundtracks) $26.59
Dr. Phibes Rises Again (30th Ann. Soundtrack) $16.33
Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (Soundtrack) $16.95
Dunwich Horror (Radio Drama) $16.82
The Enforcer (1976 Soundtrack) $13.58
The Fantastic Voyage of GOBLIN (Soudtrack Compilation) $16.13

Get to shopping, hipsters!
--J/Metro

Monday, March 14, 2011

Win an iPad and Walking-Dead Blu-Ray from AMC!

Hey hipsters,

Just a quick note here to encourage you to head on over to AMC's website and enter a sweepstakes to win your very own iPad, along with a the complete first season of their hit horror serial The Walking Dead on Blu-Ray. 

Don't have a Blu-Ray player?  Don't worry, I'll take it off your hands if you win!

Only one entry per person, guys.  Violators will be tied down and fed to the undead...or something equally horrible, I'm sure.

--J/Metro

Oh, That Kooky Cthulu!


Cthulu Hat From Pink Torque.  Goes great with...
 
Bathulu:  Handmade Cthulu Bath Mitt From GeekSoap.Net


And once you're all Cthulu-Clean and Cthulu-Clothed, why not curl up with A Cthulu Comic?
The Damned Highway: Fear & Loathing In Arkham
Available For Pre-Order From The Horror Mall

"A hilarious, shocking, terrifying thrill ride across the American landscape, The Damned Highway pays homage to the gonzo journalism of Hunter S. Thompson and the uncanny terrors of H. P. Lovecraft!


Horror legend Brian Keene and cult storytelling master Nick Mamatas dredge up a tale of drug-fueled eldritch madness from the blackest depths of the American nightmare. On a freaked-out bus journey to Arkham, Massachusetts, and the 1972 presidential primary, evidence mounts that sinister forces are on the rise, led by the Cult of Cthulhu and its most prominent member-Richard M. Nixon! "

--J/Metro

Saturday, March 12, 2011

When did movie monsters get so sexy?

That's what writer Drew Grant is trying to figure out in her brief article over at Salon.com. I'm not sure that she ever actually finds the answer...but we do learn that she has sex dreams about everyone's favorite bastard son of a thousand maniacs.

And that's gotta be worth something.

When did movie monsters get so sexy?

Enjoy.
--J/Metro

Dirty O'Neil (1974)

Dirty O'Neil

Witten by Leon Capetanos
Directed by Leon Capetanos and Lewis Teague

Jimmy O'Neil...Morgan Paull
Lassiter...Art Metrano
Ruby...Jeane Manson


Rookie cop Jimmy O'Neil has been on this small town police force for roughly three months, and he's still a little wet behind the ears.  Aside from a few speeders, a bar fight or two, and a suicidal man in a gorilla suit (seriously!), he hasn't seen much in the way of action.  Meaning that he has a lot of free time on his hands.  Free time which he fills by bedding down with practically every pretty young thing in a ten mile radius.

Good ol' Dirty O'Neil.

O'Neil's partner, Lassiter, wishes that a little excitement would come to the small burg, just a little something to liven things up and see if O'Neil has really got what it takes.  He may regret making that wish, because it's not long before a trio of traveling thugs arrives in town, looking to rape and plunder.  When they target Ruby, everyone's favorite diner waitress, O'Neil decides to go renegade and make those bastards pay.

Good ol' Dirty O'Neil.

This relatively forgotten slice of cinema is relatively forgotten for a reason.  It's not just trashy, it's straight up garbage.  The tone of the movie is wildly schizophrenic:  8o% of the running time, it seems like a wandering, plotless romp--like if National Lampoon had made a particularly poor buddy cop picture.  The other 20% of the film is purely dark and exploitative, not fitting in with the tone of the rest of the film at all.  What is particularly strange, at least to me, is that although nudity was abundant (and by abundant, I mean nipples a-plenty), the actual sex scenes were all pretty much implied--so much so that I initially thought I was viewing an edited cut.  But the rape scene (while not very graphic) played out in full, further confusing the strange balance the filmmakers were trying to create.

Dirty O'Neil was dull, meandering, and pointless right up until the vengeance-fueled finale, which, while pretty awesome, was entirely too brief, and too little, too late.  If you want some retro revenge films, there are better ones out there.  If you want retro smut, there are better ones out there, too.  But if you absolutely have to see every movie that offers up a shower scene with a "high school" girls basketball team, then queue this up and get one step closer to scratching that perverted aspiration off your bucket list.

Good ol' Dirty Ol' Man.

1974
Rated R
89 Minutes
Color
English
United States


"I'd like to jump out of this car right now and bite your ass."
--J/Metro

Friday, March 11, 2011

Cult Classic Comedies on TCM (03.11.11)

A double-feature of cult-classic comedies playing late tonight/early tomorrow morning on Turner Classic Movies. Check 'em out!

2:15am Repo Man (1984)
A young punk gives up stealing cars for a job repossessing them.
Cast: Jorge Martinez, Harry Dean Stanton, Emilio Estevez, Olivia Barash Dir: Alex Cox C-92 mins, TV-MA

4:00am Alex In Wonderland (1970)
A hot young film director can't decide on his next project.
Cast: Donald Sutherland, Ellen Burstyn, Meg Mazursky, Glenna Sergent Dir: Paul Mazursky C-112 mins, TV-MA

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Spatter Analysis #5: February 2011


The above cover image was graciously donated by .jpg genius Jeremy of iZombie fame. Thanks, brother!


Editorial
February is a lot of different things:  It's a month for lovers and romance;  It's Black History Month;  And it's a month to honor women within the horror genre.  That's an awful lot to pack into the shortest month of the whole year!  The articles that I have assembled for this month's issue of Spatter Analysis include all of these things...and more--my favorite postings from February 2011.  Now, regarding the upcoming issue: I'd like to invite all of you bloggers out there to "submit" to me your favorite article, review, etc. that you posted to your blog during the month of March for possible inclusion.  Or your favorite post from someone else's blog.  The point is, I'm lazy and I'm busy (which is a very difficult combination), and there are way more excellent blogs out there than I have the time to read, and I know there are tons of great articles that simply haven't shown up on my radar.  Well, no more!  Simply e-mail a link to the article in question to JonnyxMetro[AT]Hotmail[DOT]com, with the subject line "Spatter Analysis Submission", and I'll be sure to give it a look-see.  Midnite Media, people...making dreams come true!  ;-)

NOTE: None of the articles below are hosted on my blog, and the authors retain sole ownership. The links are provided here without explicit permission in many cases, because, as far as I know, linking with proper attribution does not go against proper blogger etiquette. Consider this the Midnite Media equivalent of an award, only rather than be awarded for your blog overall, it's for a specific post. You know what that means, don't you? More chances to win! Anywho, if for whatever reason you would like the link to your post removed, just let me know and it will be removed faster than foreskin at a bris.


Table of Contents

Swan Dive:  Is Black Swan truly a horror film, or just a non-horror film that the horror community has claimed for its own?  CRWM from And Now The Screaming Starts aims to find out.

Shock Waves - Fuzzy Bubble Of Indifference Alert:  Andre from The Horror Digest watches the infamous Nazi zombie film in A.D.D.-sized bites.  And then reviews it.  Sort of.

A New Perspective On Friday The 13th - A New Beginning: Chuck, of Mike and Chuck's Blog of the Dead, changes his view on a much maligned entry in the long-running franchise.

Love Will Tear Us Apart:  Stephen C. Jilks of Red Weed examines werewolf films in general, and 1961's Curse of the Werewolf in particular, in this masterful write-up.

Abby and Sugar Hill - The Women of Blaxploitation Horror: T.L. Bugg of The Lightning Bug's Lair can't decide between Women in Horror Month or Black History Month...so he doesn't.

20 Underrated Horror Films That You Should Definitely See:  Dead Derrick of Dead Derrick's Reviews attempts to shed a little light on some shadowy genre gems.

For Fuck's Sake - A Look Back At Torture Porn:  The Dive Mistress from Zombots! examines the questionable cultural hitory of the torture porn genre.

23 Of The Oddest and Strangest Monsters From Filmland:  Francisco from The Film Connoisseur counts down some of the ookiest, gooiest creatures the silver screen has ever seen.

23 MORE Oddities and Strange Creatures From Filmland:  Ditto.

Stephen King's Ladies:  The Girl Who Loves Horror celebrates Women in Horror Month by examining some of her favorite King's Queens--specifically from those tales that have not been made into films.

Dell/Abyss Books - The Paperback Covers:  Will Errickson of Too Much Horror Fiction examines this important but fallen line of paperback originals.

Horror at the Oscars:  Horrorwood Doll, of Dreadful Dreary, takes us on a chronological journey through the history of award-winning (and award-nominated) creepers.

Gross-Out Toys of the '80s - Garbage Pail Kids:  The Wizard of Vestron revisits a peculiar breed of baby, the defective kin of the Cabbage Patch Kids.

Tura Satana - Actress!:  The Sleaze-A-Saurus from Sleaze Blender offers up a brief but fascinating account of the life of the exploitation bombshell.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Cult Classic Comedy on TCM (03.09.11)

The wonderfully wacky and woefully underrated Lord Love A Duck is playing TONIGHT on Turner Classic Movies.  The synopsis (below) absolutely does not do the flick justice, so click HERE to read my review and see what you're missing!

8:00 PM Lord Love A Duck (1966)
A high-school misfit devotes his life to turning a bubbly blonde into a social success.
Cast: Roddy McDowall, Tuesday Weld, Lola Albright, Martin West Dir: George Axelrod BW-106 mins, TV-PG

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Waldo the Dog (2010)

Waldo the Dog

Written & Directed by Kris Canonizado

Waldo...Rook Kelly
Jaquelyn...Jaquelyn Xavier

Waldo the Dog isn't really a dog.  One would assume that he is a very sick homeless man who believes that he is an anthropomorphic animal.  When he speaks, he does so in an unnaturally high-pitched voice, like an out of work Disney character.  This is his story.


The first 30 minutes of the film are dedicated mostly to the repetitive ins-and-outs of Waldo's day:  wake up; collect recyclables; beg for a little change; practice his lucha libre moves at the local gym; secretly follow Jaquelyn, his love interest, home from work; masturbate furiously while he watches her through the window; lay out his bed of cardboard boxes, and attempt to sleep through the night.  All of which is occasionally punctuated with bouts of silent weeping.

The repetition of his days is eventually interrupted when Jaquelyn is assaulted on her walk home.  Ever the faithful watchdog, Waldo rushes in to save the day through his practiced routine of extreme violence.  After the initial shock of their first face-to-face encounter is over, Jaquelyn and Waldo stike up an unlikely friendship.


Shot on a handheld camera in true guerilla-style (no filming permits for these fellas, I'm sure!), there is a certain air of faux-believability lent to these proceedings, making it seems almost like a peculiar documentary one might find late at night on PBS.  This method of filmmaking does not make for a beautiful looking film, but there are certainly moments of beauty to be found within.  There is a sparse but very effective soundtrack that captures the mood of each scene perfectly.

The relationship between Waldo and Jaquelyn, as unlikely as it first seems, turns out to be quite believable in the end.  Both are damaged goods, both are looking for comfort and safety, both are running from something--although in Waldo's case, he's running from himself.


There are moments of levity, and there are moments of violence.  But Waldo the Dog is actually a touching and moving, albeit rather twisted, story about intense human themes:  the sometimes-thin line between love and obsession;  penance and redemption; vengeance and forgiveness;  professional wrestling and second chances.

It takes a truly skilled filmmaker to make you question your own sympathies, but that's exactly what happens here.  Your emotions ebb and flow throughout the (admittedly slightly bloated) two-hour running time, running the gamut from love, hate, pity, sorrow and everything in between.  By the time the finale hits, you don't really know how you should feel.  You are in that grey area of the heart, because when the mask comes off, nobody--not Waldo, not Jaquelyn, not even the audience--is protected by the illusion of distance that the rubber dog face offered. 

In other words, this is no longer Tex Avery gone bad.  Shit just got real.

If this movie does not have at least a cult following within one year's time, I will lose all hope for the future of the film medium.  An utterly fantastic first effort, I can not wait for the promised arrival of the sequel.

Call me Oprah, bitch.  Waldo the Dog is currently one of my favorite things.

Visit the official page HERE.


View the teaser below!

2010
Rated R
115 Minutes
Color
English
United States

--J/Metro

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