Minty the Assassin
Written & Directed by Eugene Baldovino
Double Delicious...Tabitha Taylor
Big Boss...Anthony Ray Parker
Dr. Brain Bender...Chip Joslin
Minty is a chocolate-chomping "unstoppable sexual martial artist" and an assassin...but apparently still one of the good guys, as her hideout is labeled Good Guys Headquarters. When her sensei Big Boss is kidnapped and held prisoner by Dr. Brain Bender (a douchey dude with really strange facial hair) at the top of the Cock (not clock) Tower, it's up to Minty to rescue him.
The next sixty minutes or so consist solely of Minty meeting up with other super-characters, and battling them between verbal quips and scientific diatribes. Each of these fight scenes serve two purposes: to waste time, and to strip the sexy Minty of one more piece of clothing.
This is meant to be something of a sexy spoof of the superhero genre, but, for the most part, it fails on both fronts. The superheroes and villains are one-dimensional generics in ridiculous garb, the acting is generally piss poor, and the action sequences are poorly conceived. Beyond that, the special effects consist primarily of sub-par flash animation, and there seems to be absolutely no sort of interior logic that this movie revolves around.
Strangely, the dialogue tries to impress us with its depth and theoretical know-how. It may have actually succeeded, if it weren't counteracted by the fact that Minty was having this conversation with, say, a rat man. Not that it would have mattered much. Lesbian vampires, cartoon mice and philosophical ramblings have no business cavorting hand-in-hand.
Regarding the "erotic" aspects of the movie, there is a lot of cleavage and nearly-nipples, talk about sexuality, and chick fights, but for the most part, this is one big cock tease of a motion picture. There is a lesbian sex scene for those willing to stick around until the end, interspersed with a pornographic cartoon. There's no doubt that the ladies are attractive, but there's not much else to reccomend.
Ridiculous, tedious, and completely plotless? Sure. But Minty does have a few things going for it...
"You are not an animal. You are a lesbian vampire, and that is hot as hell."