Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Sorority Row (2009)

Sorority Row


Written by Josh Stolberg & Pete Goldfinger
Directed by Stewart Hendler

This movie starts off with a ridiculously overblown college party that could only have been dreamed up by the overactive imagination of a horny male.  Don't get me wrong:  I'm not complaining that they misrepresented reality here.  I'm complaining that reality refuses to bend to the overactive imagination of horny males the world over.

Oh, what a marvelous world that would be.


Shown above are the core members of the Theta Pi sorority house, from left to right:  Claire, Ellie, Cassie, Chugs, and Jessica.  Megan is not pictured, as she is unconscious in the next room after being slipped a roofie by Chug's brother Garrett, supplied to him by her "sisters" so that he could date-rape her following a little lover's spat.

Now that's sisterhood.

It's just too bad that Megan overdoses, starts foaming at the mouth, and promptly dies before Garrett can even get her panties off.  Fearing for their future, the surviving Theta Pi gals and Garret decide to dispose of the corpse in an abandoned mine.


Wait, what's that?  It was all just a practical joke?  Now that is freaking hilarious.  But, if Jawbreaker taught us anything, it's that practical jokes played by hot girls always end up in tragedy.  Megan ends up dead--this time for real--and since the stage has already been set, they decide to dispose of her real corpse in the same manner that they had initially planned to dispose of her fake one.


Flash forward to eight months later...Graduation Day.  The Thetas are throwing one last party before saying goodbye to the college life that they have enjoyed for so long (probably much longer than the standard four, judging by the intellect on display throughout much of this film).  A mysterious figure cloaked in a graduation robe lurks in the shadows, picking off the girls one by one in typical slasher fashion.

Somebody should really tell Hollywood that in order for the viewing audience to care what happens to characters in a film, we first have to care for the characters.  These are some of the most unlikable girls I have ever had the privilege of seeing dismembered!  They are a catty clique of spoiled, immature, bratty, bitchy, cruel, callous, and straight-up slutty skanks.  One of them even allows herself to be sodomized by her doctor on a regular basis, just so that she can score some prescription drugs for her and her sisters to use recreationally!  The few girls that we probably are actually supposed to root for come off just as terrible as the rest--judged by the company you keep, and all of that.  That left only one person to cheer for--the killer; and s/he was so free of personality and imagination that really I couldn't give a damn about them either.

Ugh.



There are only two good things about this film (if you don't count the occasional bit of female nudity):  the casting of Carrie Fisher as a frustrated house mother that eventually finds her inner badass; and the fact that Audrina Patridge (formerly of MTV's The Hills, currently of Audrina, and--if there's any justice--soon of your local T.G.I.Friday's) is only around for about 10 minutes or so, and she's playing a corpse for the majority.

If you want excitement, suspense, or anything resembling fright in your horror movies, you won't find it here.  But if all you're looking for is the murder of slut after slut after slut (with a tricked out cross between a tire iron and a Swiss army knife, no less!), then this is the movie for you!


2009
Rated R
101 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"He, she or it is about to get two rounds to the face."
--J/Metro

1 comment:

  1. I *think* I watched this, but I can remember nothing about it save for th efact that it starred the girl from Step Up 2 with the voice of a 90 year old chain smoker. I don't think it was awful--and the original is nothing special--but it was obviously pretty forgettable.

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