A very happy New Year to all you hipsters out there! With 2010 in the rearview and 2011 stretching out before us, you may think I'm going to take a look back at the year that has just passed. Well, you would be wrong (I'll be doing that shortly for my Blogiversary post). Instead, I'm going to be taking a quick and shallow look at the genre films that haven't even been released yet. Consider this a precognitive award ceremony.
I made no real effort to look into the plotlines. Like many red-blooded Americans, I judge a book by its cover--or, in this case, a movie by its title. And these are some real award winners in my book!
Baby Zombies: Directed by Ethan Wiley
Bad Girls Burn In Hell: Directed by Mudd Miller
Chubby Killer: Directed by Reuben Rox
Cockneys Vs. Zombies: Directed by Mathias Hoene
Dead Girls Don't Cry: Directed by Mudd Miller
Stripperland: Directed by Sean Skelding
Ghost Shark 2 -- Urban Jaws: Directed by Johnny Hall & Andrew Todd
Super Death Kill: Directed by Dm Pelley
Bruce Vs. Frankenstein: Bruce Campbell. Versus. Frankenstein. Need more be said?
Chillerama: A musical comedy horror film by Joe Lynch & Adam Green, they who brought you Hatchet and Wrong Turn 2, respectively.
Bach From The Dead: The official synopsis: Johann Bach teams up with the mysterious Josh after he is resurrected by a failing rap artist. Thus ensues a murderous rampage that can only be quenched by one thing: cop John Cannon's magnum. FINALLY, the much-anticipated team-up of classical music and hip-hop!
Fantomas: Based on the comic serial about an amoral master of disguise and sadistic killer. Directed by Christophe Gans (Brotherhood of the Wolf), it should be in good hands.
John Dies At the End: Based on the hit online-turned-hardcopy-novel by David Wong, directed by Don Coscarelli, and featuring Angus "The Tall Man" Scrimm. This has badass written all over it.
Red State: Kevin Smith is known for his comedies, which you either love or you hate. I, for one, love them (save for the misfire Jersey Girl, which honestly wasn't a terrible film. It just wasn't a Kevin Smith film, despite the fact that it was written and directed by Kevin Smith). I watch his films, I read his books and comics, and I listen to his podcast. I'll be in line for this quicker than Steve-Dave at a Stan Lee meet-and-greet.
Scream 4: Yes, this franchise was supposed to be dead. Yes, it was single-handedly responsible for a legion of self-aware hackneyed horror flicks that followed. But the original was, at the time, original, and even if the law of diminishing returns caused the plotline of Part 3 to be thinner than Courtney Cox's frail frame, I'm still looking forward to revisiting the characters. I'll be hoping for a miracle, expecting a train wreck.
Human Centipede 2: The first film divided audiences into two camps. I belong to the camp that thoroughly enjoyed it. It wasn't ahead of its time, it was behind its time, and I still contend that Human Centipede belongs in an underground that no longer exists.
The Sandman: Based on the intelligent DC Comics Vertigo comic title, I'm hoping that this translates to the screen successfully--but I'm afraid that it won't. The series is a dark, moody, and brainy anthology title that finds its inspiration in history, mythology and folklore. Depending on who is at the helm (and who is holding the purse strings), this could very well become an overly-stylized and dumbed-down CGI showcase, or a ploddingly-plotted snoozer with below-BBC standard production values.
The Big Bang: No, not the Big Bang Theory (although, geek that I am, that is my favorite current sitcom). This detective thriller is brought to us by the fine folks behind the twisted genre comedy Otis. Definitely looking for this one.
So Bad It Might Be Good
Chihuanhas: According to the official synopsis, A school/pack of vicious, cross-bred Chihuahua and Piranha are unleashed upon a pristine Mtn Lake and quickly consume summer campers before a team of misfits, led by the lake's ranger, evade and destroy the evil little critters. Sounds like someone is trying to outdo the SyFy Channel at their own game.
The Obligatory Remakes
Child's Play: I'm torn on this one. I do love me some Chucky, even when it's really, really bad. If they bring back Brad Douriff, I'm probably sold.
Faces of Death: Seriously? A remake of a falsified documentary? Trash equals cash. Just asky Maury Povich.
Little Shop of Horrors: A remake of the remake of the broadway play, apparently, as it's also said to be a musical.
An American Werewolf in London
An American Werewolf in Paris
Don't Look In The Basement
Race With the Devil
The Obligatory Sequels
Blair Witch Project III: Blair Witch was always planned to be a trilogy, but the studios effectively killed that notion when they bastardized Part 2. If this flick is ever really going to be made (and I have my doubts), Part 3 should pretend that Part 2 never happened, and plan out a Part 4 to round out the trilogy. I learned math from Douglas Adams, by the way.
Evil Dead 4: Does Bruce Campbell still have the strength to portray Ash in this long-awaited (and probably never-going-to-happen) sequel? Lord only knows, but I'm sure as hell willing to find out.
The Strangers 2
Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires
Paranormal Activity 3
Most Unnecesarry Sequels
Final Destination 5: Just where the hell is the final destination, and why haven't they arrived yet?
Halloween III: Rob Zombie is giving someone else a chance to destroy the franchise this time.
Jeepers Creepers 3 -- Cathedral: Hopefully this will be more like the original, and less of the shirtless underage male meat-fest that was Part 2.
Scary Movie 5: These have never been scary. And they haven't been funny for a while now, either.
Children of the Corn -- The Dweller: I don't care if this is a sequel to the original franchise, or a sequel to the SyFy Channel reboot. Crap is crap, no matter which animal it came from.
Hellraiser -- Revelations: I love Hellraiser as much as the next guy, but right around the time they put Pinhead in space, the franchise really jumped the shark. Sure, it was an intergalactic shark, but a shark nonetheless.
A Little Too Late For Anyone To Really Care
Strangeland II: Disciple
Most Likely to be Accidentally Rented
Paranoid Activity 2
The Year of Stephen King
Cell: I read this book when it first came out, and thought that it was written much more "cinematically" than anything King had written before (or since), almost as if it was written specifically to be turned into a movie. I'm just surprised it took this long.
Under the Dome: Hopefully this will be a television mini-series, as a two-hour flick would not be nearly enough to contain a quarter of the events found within the pages.
Bag of Bones: This creepy tale was King's take on the traditional ghost story, and to me it has always been the sister-book to his take on the traditional sci-fi story, Dreamcatcher. Hopefully the film version of Bag of Bones fares better than the steaming pile that was Dreamcatcher.
From A Buick 8: My least-favorite book by King doesn't inspire a lot of hope in the film version.
You Can't Kill Stephen King: Not based on any King work, and the synopsis doesn't give much of anything away (A group of friends go on a vacation on the very lake in Maine where Stephen King lives), but it does feature a few characters with the last name of Bachman. I'm a bit curious if nothing else.