Monday, November 15, 2010

Monster High (1989)

Monster High

Written by Roy Langsdon & John Platt
Directed by Rudy Poe

Dume...Robert Lind
Glume...Seain Haines
Norm Median...Dean Iandoli
Candice Cain...Diana Frank
O.D. ...Doug Kerzner

Twin brothers Dume and Glume, a third-rate rap duo from outer space with aspirations of galactic domination, crash land on earth and inadvertently release Mr. Armageddon from the basketball in which he has been imprisoned for centuries.  (No...seriously.)  Armageddon chooses as his base of operations an average american high school, where he seduces and slaughters the girls in alphabetical order and unleashes a hoarde of monsters upon the student body, all part of his master plan to bring about the apocalypse.

Hence his name.

Average American high school student Norm Median is chosen to be this century's doomsday prophet, but rather than being content to merely scrawl cryptic prose like that bitch Nostradamus, Norm decides to fight the power by enlisting the help of three other teenage archetypes:  Candice Cain, the sultry foreign exchange student; O.D., the pot-smoking burnout; and Paul Smith, the straight A student.  Together, they battle aliens, demons, zombies, mummies, cyborgs, trolls, and even a killer canabis plant (long before Scary Movie ever toked up the idea).

I went into this film with a bit of cautious optimism, hoping for a Teenage Frankenstein meets Teenage Werewolf in the halls of an institute of higher learning.  What I got instead was a cross between Monster Squad and Louis Sachar's children's book Sideways Stories from Wayside School, with a penchant for toilet humor and a handful of bare breasts. 

Calm down.  It's not as cool as it sounds.

Pathetic jokes, shoddy special effects, and a poor script make this forgotten 1980s comedy-horror effort best left forgotten.  Not even the ridiculous Man vs. Monster basketball game, seemingly inspired by The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island, could make me stand up and cheer.

There's a certain level of immature parody here that I may have once been fond of.  It's just too bad that I wasn't old enough to watch it when I was young enough to enjoy it.

Rated R
84 Minutes
United States



  1. Still, it's got my interest. I guess its one of those movies one can watch and get nostalgic about, remebering those long gone teenage years. Well, if your an aging hipster like me self anyways.

  2. I'll be honest, I laughed during many of the scenes. It is rightfully terrible, and the review is dead on, but I cant hate on this one. Did you finally give in and buy Monster High after passing it over 30 times at Big Lots until finally there were no other titles and you had $3 burning in your pocket like I did Jonny?

  3. No, Carl, thankfully I saved my hard-earned scratch by getting this stinker on Netflix. $3.00, huh? That's not too bad of a price for a new coaster... ;-)


  4. Hey, I just reviews another book called Monster High. Doesn't seem nearly as good as this one though. Check it out anyways at


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