Monday, October 4, 2010

Ring of Darkness (2004)

Ring of Darkness

Written by Ryan Carrassi, Michael Gingold & Matthew Jason Walsh
Directed by David DeCoteau

Shawn...Stephen Martines
Stacy...Ryan Starr
Max...Eric Dearborn
B.J....Colin Bain
Jake...Matt T. Baker

Highly successful boy band Take Ten is in search of a new lead singer, and they hold open auditions across America to find the perfect match for their team. It’s easily narrowed down to three finalists: the confident Max Reback, the undercover reporter Jonah, and the “real rocker” Shawn. The second round of competition takes place at Take Ten’s private beach house, where Jonah mysteriously disappears. Max is too far into the game to notice, but it’s obvious to Shawn that something strange is going on. What is it? Could Take Ten be…evil?

Yes, my friends. An evil boy band, after not only that coveted number one spot on the Billboard charts, but your blood as well. Horror of horrors!

The film is tagged as a horror-comedy, but the only thing scary was American Idol alum Ryan Starr’s mushmouthed performance as Shawn’s girlfriend Stacy, and the only thing funny is that we actually sat through the whole thing in hopes of some nudity (no such luck.) The special effects were all but non-existent, the acting weak (even a slumming Adrienne Barbau seemed to be phoning it in), and the soundtrack is downright painful. You too will be ready to kill after hearing the same song four times within the first ten minutes of the first reel.

But if you’re interested in seeing a group of highly coordinated, sexually ambiguous pretty boys bedecked in the latest of sell-out pseudo-fashions participating in homoerotic black magic rituals and implied gangbangs, then this slow moving and extremely padded piece of shit is for you. Elsewise, you’re better off watching something else.

Anything else. I’ve had more chills watching Sesame Street. Snuffalupagus. Now he was scary!

Rated R
85 Minutes
United States

"Once you're in, the terror begins!"

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