Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Train (2008)


Written & Directed by Gideon Raff

Alex...Thora Birch
Willy...Gideon Emery
Sheldon...Kavan Reece
Todd...Derek Magyar
Claire...Gloria Votsis

If you've ever wondered what Hostel would have looked like if it had been directed by somebody else, then this is the movie for you. An attractive subset of American wrestlers (Olympic style, not capes and makeup style) and their coaches get separated from the rest of the team while en route from one European hamlet to another. They gratefully accept alternative travel plans offered from a vaguely pretty local woman, and they all hop aboard the Murder Express.

One by one, they begin disappearing. Actually, one by one they begin being abducted by the crazy conductor's creepy crew, and are promptly bound, beaten, tortured, mutilated and murdered.

Silly Americans. That's what happens when you travel anywhere beyond the friendly outback of Canada!

There's nothing new or groundbreaking here, and it is definitely derivative of the aforementioned Eli Roth films. But Train actually has a leg up on its forefather franchise. You know how the first time you watched Hostel, you kept checking your watch, asking yourself just when the hell the bloodshed was going to begin? Here you don't have to wait nearly as long to get your guilty fix. Throw in the fact that there are also elements of a slasher film evident here, and you've got an enjoyable time-waster if nothing else.

Gorehounds should be pretty happy with this one, as the red stuff is thick and plentiful. There's a particularly painful moment when a man's back is sliced open like a Christmas goose and his exposed spine is fractured with a hammer and chisel, ending his futile struggles. In fact, there are multiple times where I found myself grimacing at the grotesqueries playing out on screen. If you prefer a more subtle brand of horror, or if the (ludicrously titled) torture porn genre immediately turns you off, you'll probably want to keep on trucking.  Or training.  Whatever.

I found it to be cheap and dirty entertainment. And there ain't nothin' wrong with that!

Rated R
94 Minutes
United States

Birch, please!

1 comment:

  1. I was expecting much worse, glad they decided against this being a TERROR TRAIN remake, since it is definitely HOSTEL on wheels


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