Monday, December 14, 2009

Hack! (2007)

Hack!


Written & Directed by Matt Flynn

Emily--Danica McKellar
Johnny--Jay Kenneth Johnson
Mary Shelley King--Juliet Landau
Vincent King--Sean Kanan
Ricky--Justin Chon

A group of teenage stereotypes from St. Farla Franca college head to a desert island for a biology field trip. They're greeted there by their hosts, an attractive couple known as Vincent and Mary Shelley King. Not only are the students obsessed with film, but so are the Kings, and Mary Shelley is practically never seen without her old-fashioned hand-cranked movie camera.

One by one, the teens are killed off in terrible and unimaginative ways--one victim is even murdered with an axe while the killer screams "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Ugh.



Dropping a few inside jokes every now and then, or scattering a couple of homages throughout the running time is one thing. But this movie hasn't got an original inch in its celluloid canister. When the characters aren't blatantly dropping horror movie titles, they're blatantly quoting from horror movies, and when they're not doing that, they're instead blatantly dropping other pop culture references. Eighty percent of the dialogue seems to have been culled from outside ephemera: "This Bud's for you", "Can you hear me now?", "Same thing we do every night, Pinky: Try to take over the world."

Okay, we fucking get it. You watch a LOT of TV.

Even the Post-Modern, totally self-aware aspect of the film is ripped from Scream (and the imitators that came after it).  I really wasn't expecting a great movie when I sat down to watch this--more of just a guilty pleasure that could be enjoyed for the novelty of it. I mean, come on... Danica McKeller, Winnie Freakin' Cooper, being stalked by a psycho? That scored this movie a few points, as did the (rather creepy) twist ending that I honestly didn't see coming, but not even that could save this steaming cess pile.



Imagine if the Scary Movie franchise took itself just a little too seriously, against all better judgment. Would you be able to stomach it?

Yeah, I thought not.

The stereoypical highly-sexual foreign exchange student summed it up best: "They think they're fucking artists? They have no originality!"

2007
Rated R
89 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"Was Jack Frost or Ghost Dad stupid? Hell no!"
--J/Metro

HorrorBlips: vote it up!

3 comments:

  1. Epically awesome review. Sounds like a real dud but I'm mildly compelled to still watch it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the kind words, PoT. If the movie can't entertain, I at least hope that my review can. If you really are compelled to watch it--mildly or otherwise--you can do so for free on Netflix Watch Instantly. If you write a review of it, you have to let me know, though. I'm curious what others thought.

    --J/Metro

    ReplyDelete
  3. lol - Winnie Cooper. Still lookin' good. Not sure the film looks that way though.

    ReplyDelete

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