Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Actress Apocalypse (2005)

Actress Apocalypse

Written by Richard R. Anasky & Garo Nigoghossian
Directed by Richard R. Anasky

David B. Lincoln III...Garo Nigoghossian
Vance Lincoln...Greg G. Freeman
Seth 'The Golden Terror'Marino...Jay Ingle
Fernando Peters...Angel Martin

A documentarian follows a small crew of independent movie makers (writer/director David B. Lincoln III, his brother and producer Vance Lincoln, and boom mike operator/stage bitch Seth 'The Golden Terror' Marino) as they attempt to film an epic horror movie called Clearwater Canyon.

The premise of Clearwater Canyon? From what I can gather, it's about a big, fat, mascara wearing gay killer Indian with a mullet who ties women up in a tool shed and kills them. Which sounds promising, surely, but this movie is destined to never be made.

It's bad enough that on the first day of shooting, only one member of the cast shows up, but it gets even worse when she storms off in a diva fit of fury, leaving them without a star. They bring in another actress...and another actress...and another actress...but things get progressively worse.

When one actress is accidentally(?) killed on set, Vance (who is actually quite the lunatic) decides that he's secretly taking control of the film, and opts to turn Clearwater Canyon into a straight up snuff film.

This micro-budget mockumentary is disguised as a horror film, but really it's a very dark satire of the independent cinema world. It's also extremely sleazy, and full of gorgeous women cavorting around nude. In fact, the opening credits run over an inexplicable lesbian shower scene. To quote Vance, "Aww yeah! Now that's the way to open a movie: two bitches suckin' each others titties!"


As with most low-budget films, this one suffers from its problems. The costumes are pathetic, the sound is sometimes distorted, and David's accent (or is it a speech impediment?) gets old pretty quickly. But, on the plus side, it is very well scored and, when the cast isn't busy shouting at each other, there are a number of hilarious moments hidden within their dialogue ("I can play every role in the movie if I need to, 'cause I'm magical! Like a leprechaun!"). And the editing, while frantic, frenetic and almost psychedelic, borders on genius.

It relies on nearly every underground movie-making technique in the book: Switching from color film to black-and-white; tinted footage; polarized footage; looped footage; degraded footage; strange camera angles; fish-eye lenses; nearly subconscious flashes of imagery; etc.

Imagine Natural Born Killers crossed with Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In and an R-rated cut of a White Zombie video.

Actress Apocalypse is exactly what it was meant to be. It's not for everyone, but those that it is for will enjoy the hell out of this movie. I read somewhere online that if you like the first ten minutes of this movie, you're going to like the next 80 minutes, too, which is probably pretty accurate.

Well, not counting the opening credits.

Everyone's going to like those!

View the trailer below!

Not Rated
95 Minutes
United States

Actress Apocalypse is currently ranked #121,403 in DVD's at Read more about it at the IMDB, rent it at Netflix, or buy it today!

"Audition equals fake, fake equals audition"

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