Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Satan's Cannibal Holocaust

Satan's Cannibal Holocaust

Written by Scott D. Muck
Directed by Jim Wayer

Kelly Cauldwell...Sheila Thiele
Mr. Cauldwell...Mike Ketcher
Paul...Daniel Allder
Larry...Gus Stevenson
Kayla...Ashleigh Schremmer

You know what's even more exploitative than Cannibal Holocaust? Cashing in on that film's notorious reputation by exploiting its title and just adding a 'Satan' to it! Satan's Cannibal Holocaust? Sounds amazing!

Investigative reporter Megan discovers that a secret organization is killing off the homeless, and her investigation gets her too close to them for comfort. They carve her up pretty good and leave her in the bathtub, and only her cousin--and fellow reporter--Stephen, armed with Megan's cryptic notes, can get to the bottom of what's going on.

Do it for Megan, Stephen!

Oh, wait...never mind.

Stephen promptly gets disposed of too. How about we root instead for yet another reporter, Kelly Caldwell, who, while writing an article on her father the Mayor (isn't that a conflict of interest?), accidentally stumbles across the homeless story.

An evil anti-church of Satanists are kidnapping people and sacrificing them to their dark master. Because, as their (very talkative) leader says: "Satan teaches us that only through consuming the flesh of your victims can you absorb the power inside!" And then, of course, they perform mostly dull "acts of sexual congress" in the blood of the dead. Because nothing says lovin' like bloody boobs.

The pacing is horrible and the acting is atrocious. The special effects consist almost entirely of extras covered in Karo, except for the flesh eating which looks like it was achieved using Canadian bacon. Syrup and bacon? This may sound like breakfast, but it's going to do very little to quell your appetite for horror or gore. In fact, I was eating breakfast while watching, and I didn't gag on my Cinnamon Toast Crunch once!

Really, the only positive thing I have to say about this trash heap is that the sadistic, sexy schoolgirl Kayla steals the show--not that it was hard to do so. And it's certainly not because of her acting ability, believe you me. She does, however, have the best dialogue of the bunch (even if she doesn't know how to deliver it), and the fact that she enjoys torturing her victims with railroad spikes, piano wire, staple guns, etc. doesn't hurt either.

Not Rated
70 Minutes
United States

Satan's Cannibal Holocaust is currently ranked #154,084 in DVD's at Read more about it at the IMDB, rent it at Netflix, or buy it today!

"I've tasted bat pussy. And I liked it."

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