Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Crippled Creek (2005)

Crippled Creek

Written & Directed by Hans Hartman

Mady Hooper...Ashley Totin
Bambi Hooper...Evy Lutzky
Aubry Laput...Jennifer Jules Hart
Cass Ambrose...Mark Irish
Gary...Michael Dionne
Tom...Paul Logan
"In the Spring of 2004 three friends, Mady Hooper, her cousin Bambi Hooper and Aubry Laput went to their Grandfather's cabin north of Old Mystic, CT for a 'Girl's Weekend'.  This is the story that was told by the only person known to survive the weekend at...Crippled Creek."
En route to the cabin, the girls are warned by a goofy park ranger to stay away from the local hermit, Old Josiah Trapper.  Once they're settled in, they meet up with a pair of dull-as-shit pretty boys who come offering beer in an unspoken exchange for sexual playthings, together forming the core group of victims...I mean, characters.

Horny young people alone in the woods?  Check.  Drinking beer and engaging in indecent acts of premarital sex?  Check.  A local legend about a reclusive weirdo who doesn't take kindly to strangers?  Check.  Strict warnings that go unheeded?  Check and double check.

Oh, yeah.  People are going to die tonight.

It's just too bad that nobody in the audience cares, because they're already down the street at the Big Kahuna Burger before the halfway mark.  With atrocious acting, scripting, direction, sound, cinematography and editing (Really?  A fade to black every three minutes?), we should at least be able to rely on the staples of the Slasher genre to keep us interested:  good gore and interesting death scenes.

Unfortunately the gore is non-existant and the death scenes are yawn-inducing, not to mention that nothing--absolutely nothing--happens until one hour in.

There's a long and hallowed tradition of gratuitous nudity in slasher films, and at first it seems as if this low-budget (no-budget?) schlocker was going to respect that.  But despite lots of sexually explicit conversations, a lengthy shower scene (during the opening credits!), skinny dipping, sex in a tent, and some fromby action against a tree, practically nothing is shown!  What little there is to see is too blurry and out of focus to enjoy, leaving one to wonder, "Then what's the point of sitting through this crap?" 

It certainly isn't for the epic storyline.

However, if the one thing you've always thought that was missing from horror movies was footage of an attracive woman shitting in a bucket complete with sound effects and a reacharound wipe, then this movie may be right up your alley.

You sick bastard.

Be sure to stay tuned until the closing credits to find out which companies made this cinematic travesty possible.  SoBe Adrenaline Rush, how could you!?

2005
Not Rated
89 Minutes
Color
English
United States



View the trailer below!

Crippled Creek is currently ranked #56,260 in DVD's at Amazon.com.  Read more about it at the IMDB, rent it at Netflix, or buy it today!

"How you doing down there?  I know what you want, and pissing is only half of it!"
--J/Metro

(See, Carl?  I told you I would get around to reviewing this eventually!)

4 comments:

  1. Wow, this sounds absolutely terrible. Abundant cliches that don't even give way to a decent payoff? Disaster indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Youve gone where few men have dared, and for that we respect you Jonny =D

    Should I be happy to know that this DVD actually IS as bad as the cover art, or should we all be sad that it even got made? That duality has always plagued me, I cant decide if its better to have an abundance of crap than one glorious genre pick.

    Thanks for being the first person ever in the history of mankind to have Netflix dust this one off their shelves and send it out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I have to admit that I didn't waste a Netflix rental on this POS. Instead, I just wasted 90 minutes of my life and used the Watch Instantly feature.

    Meaning, the DVD is still out there somewhere...waiting...

    --J/Metro

    ReplyDelete
  4. It just keeps selling and selling and Netflix actually bought 20,000 copies for distribution... Funny how something like this will just keep selling.

    ReplyDelete

What do you got to say about it!?

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails