Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Zombiez (2005)

Zombiez


Written & Directed by Zachary Winston Snygg

Josephine...Jenicia Garcia
Terry...Raymond Spencer
Steve...Randy Clarke
The Doctor...Jackeem Sellers

Pretty little Josephine is a construction worker that findz it difficult to make friendz, but she haz her husband Steve, and that’z all she really needz. Then one day from out of the blue, she witnessez three brutal cannibalistic killingz in rapid succession. Initially she’z held as a suspect, but soon enough it’s obviouz that she’z a victim. What else could she be, when she’z the only survivor in a city overrun by the undead?

But these ain’t your daddy’s zombies. No more pasty-faced corpses lumbering slowly through the graveyard, moaning incoherencies and tearing the flesh from the living with their bare fingers. These zombies travel in posses, walk with a crunked-up swagger like Nelly after sippin’ too many ‘Tussins, and they’re just as likely to gat you with a four-four as they are to shank you with a cleaver, sickle, power tool or shiv. Forget the mumbling. These zombies will talk your living ear off, and then pick it up off the ground and chew on it. In fact, if not for the title of the film, I probably never would have known they were zombies at all.


Unfortunately, Josephine’s acting chops aren’t up to the challenge of holding the film upright by herself, with no help available from the large ensemble of bit-part reanimated actors. And the storyline—what little there is—is incoherent at best, something to do with tearing down the forest, meat pies, and a man in a giant chicken suit, I think.

The second ‘Z’ in the film’s title is a dead give away that it is aimed toward what the studio execs call ‘the Urban audience.’ It’s also a dead giveaway that they believe said audience to be an uneducated, easily-pleased and racially stereotyped lot. “Replace the S with a Z, slap a couple of rap songs in there, and top it all off with interstitial screens that define important phrases for the dummies in the audience. The kids will have to watch this pandering crap, right?”

A real cheap, pointless and poorly constructed piece of cheese that uses zombies as a thinly disguised allegory for gang violence. Very thinly disguised, especially toward the end. It does, however, gain a hipster point for the mention of jazzster Charlie “Bird” Parker, and a pervo-point for having Josephine trot around in her panties a bit. So if that’s all it takes to get your mojo going and your money walking, by all means…knock yourself out.

2005
Rated R
83 Minutez
Color
English
United States

Zombiez is currently ranked #56,095 in DVD's at Amazon.com. Read more about it at the IMDB, rent it at Netflix, or buy it today!

I'm bad, cuz I got a 'Z' in my name!
--J/MetroZ

1 comment:

  1. Check out Gangs of the Dead. Reviewed it waaaaay back when. Way more funny in its gang banging zombie-ness.

    http://planetofterror.blogspot.com/2007/06/gangs-of-dead-2006.html

    ReplyDelete

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