Re-Watching Evil Things

Just finished watching Evil Things for the second time, and this time I made my wife watch it with me. She's so frightened right now that I literally had to go turn on the lights and check the bathroom before she was willing to go in.

Pretty sure I'm going to be up all night.

You kick ass, Mr. Perez!
--J/Metro

Bogey Marathon on TCM (12.23.09)

All day tomorrow (Wednesday, December 23) Turner Classic Movies is concluding their series of Humphrey Bogart movie marathons, so don't miss out. There's bound to be something you'll be interested in.

6:00 AM: Bogart: The Untold Story (1996)
"Stephen Bogart hosts this one-hour special on the life and career of his legendary father, Humphrey Bogart."

7:00 AM: Thank Your Lucky Stars (1943)
"An Eddie Cantor look-alike organizes an all-star show to help the war effort."

9:15 AM: Sahara (1943)
"An international platoon fights off Nazis in World War II Africa."

11:00 AM: Passage to Marseille (1944)
"Devil's Island escapees join up with the Allies during World War II."

1:00 PM: Conflict (1945)
"A man murders his wife so he can be free to marry her sister."

2:30 PM: Dead Reckoning (1947)
"A tough veteran sets out to solve his war buddy's murder."

4:15 PM: The Two Mrs. Carrolls (1947)
"A woman slowly discovers that her artist husband is a deranged killer."

6:00 PM: Knock on Any Door (1949)
"A crusading lawyer fights to save a juvenile delinquent charged with murder."

8:00 PM: To Have and Have Not (1944)
"A skipper-for-hire's romance with a beautiful drifter is complicated by his growing involvement with the French resistance."

10:00 PM: The Big Sleep (1946)
"Private eye Philip Marlowe investigates a society girl's involvement in the murder of a pornographer."

12:00 AM: Dark Passage (1947)
"A man falsely accused of his wife's murder escapes to search for the real killer."

2:00 AM: Key Largo (1948)
"A returning veteran tangles with a ruthless gangster during a hurricane"

4:00 AM: Bacall on Bogart (1988)
"Lauren Bacall hosts this extraordinary documentary on her life on- and off-screen with her late husband, Humphrey Bogart."

Gone the Way of Flesh (2006)

Gone the Way of Flesh

Written & Directed by Jordan McMillen and Jason Martin

This movie--and I use the term loosely--opens up with some two-bit slimeball making vulgar comments to a sloppy brunette in a dive bar while a mediocre rock band plays in the background , ending with a spilled drink, which is really just an excuse for the girl to strip down to her unmentionables in a public restroom, where she is promptly killed.

And that's just the first 90 seconds. Literally!

The filmmakers obviously have no trouble laying all the cards out on the table right from the get-go. Unfortunately, once we've seen their hand, they really have very little left to show us.

The band playing in the background is the local Pittsburgh garage rock outfit The Jason Martinko Revue, and it seems that this isn't the first time an "underage" groupie has been killed at one of their concerts, and it certainly won't be the last. Is a member of the band behind the killings? Their ridiculous manager who looks like an extra from the Beastie Boys "Sabotage" video? A crazed fan? Who knows? And more importantly, who cares?

Here's the basic structure of the movie: girl takes off clothes, girl gets killed, The Jason Martinko Revue plays a song; girl takes off clothes, girl gets killed, The Jason Martinko Revue plays a song; It continues in this exact same vein for the full running time of 60 minutes, which feels like 60 hours, although I think there was a police detective in there somewhere whose investigation pretty much consisted of doing drugs and narrating for the audience, but never--not even once--finding a clue. And at one point, seemingly at random, the whole debacle deteriorated into genuine girl-on-girl pornography with lapping tongues and shimmering strap-ons.

Gone the Way of Flesh tries to pass itself off as a low-budget, backyard horror/exploitation movie inspired by the works of H.G. Lewis. If that were true, I could at least respect it if not enjoy it. But the truth is that this was nothing but a vanity project for a band that has no real reason to be so vain. It was an extended music video that just so happened to have a couple murders in it. That concept may work for Rob Zombie, but it doesn't work here.

If you're a die-hard Jason Martinko fan (I suppose at least one of them may exist), you will probably be in hog heaven. I mean, it's The Jason Martinko Revue as...The Jason Martinko Revue! The role they were born to play! For everybody else, I caution you to stay as far away from this as possible.

The best musical moment was actually a great performance of "Amazing Grace" by some unknown African American man on the street. He blew the Revue to kingdom come. Maybe he can take the lead in the upcoming sequel.

Yes, they're making a sequel.

If I had to say something positive, I suppose it would be this: The Jason Martinko Revue are much better musicians than they are movie makers. Of course, so am I, and the only instrument I've ever played is a comb covered in wax paper.

2006
Not Rated
56 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"You'll be seeing me right in your goddamn tonsils later on tonight!"
--J/Metro

Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

Poltergeist II: The Other Side

 Written by Michael Grais & Mark Victor
Directed by Brian Gibson

JoBeth Williams .... Diane Freeling
Craig T. Nelson .... Steve Freeling
Heather O'Rourke .... Carol Anne Freeling
Oliver Robins .... Robbie Freeling
Zelda Rubinstein .... Tangina Barrons
Will Sampson .... Taylor
Julian Beck .... Kane

A pair of Indian shamans beside a Technicolor campfire conjure up the spirits of the dead. We see the spirits circle and then enter the body of Taylor, the younger of the two, who raises his arms in praise to the heavens before jumping in his decidedly battered blue pickup truck and heading to the suburban town of Cuesta Verde. Here he meets up with Tangina, the miniature psychic, who has been unearthing the evil beneath the old Freeling house and thinks she has found the heart of the matter: wretched corpse-filled catacombs.

The Freelings have moved out, of course, and are now staying with Diane's mother Jessica, who possesses a small psychic ability that was in turn passed on to Carol Anne. After drawing pictures of a tall gruesome man dressed all in black, Carol Anne has ghostly visions of the same man passing through the bodies of other people while out shopping with her mother. When Grandma passes away in her sleep, that same old haunted thunderstorm rolls in from which no good can come. Toys come to life, poltergeists wreak havoc, and Taylor shows up on their doorstep at a crucial moment to bail out the Freelings in their time of need.

The man in black reappears during a rainstorm, introducing himself as Reverend Henry Kane. He attempts to convince the Freelings that Taylor is in fact a dangerous con-man but succeeds only in scaring the hell out of Carol Anne and bumping the Creepy Quotient up by at least 50 percent. Taylor informs them that Cain is the leader of the evil spirits and that his plan is to destroy the family and possess Carol Anne.

When the shit hits the fan, the Freelings take Taylor's advice and return to their old home for an underground "final" showdown with the supernatural bastards.

As far as sequels go, I think this is a pretty damn good one with excellent performances by the entire cast, the excellent character additions of Taylor and Kane (who was strong enough to carry his own film, if the studio had felt so inclined), and a few laughs. We even get to see a bit more of the Other Side (in a moderately cheesy “floating family” scene) as well as the back story on the poltergeists and even a little moral regarding the importance of family somewhere along the way.

All around a good movie, even if the scene involving the son's braces seemed like it would be more at home in a Nightmare on Elm Street flick. If you've seen the first, see the second. But be wary of the third.

View the trailer below!


1986
Rated PG-13
87 minutes
Color
United States
English

--J/Metro

Deadline (2009)

Deadline

Written & Directed by Sean McConville

Alice...Brittany Murphy
Becky...Tammy Blanchard
Lucy...Thora Birch
David...Marc Blucas

Alice, a struggling screenwriter makes a temporary move into a secluded Victorian house. Her reasons are two-fold: one, she has a lot of work to do on her latest script in order to meet her deadline (get it?) and she doesn't want to be distracted; and two, her psychotic, abusive ex has just been released from prison and she understandably doesn't want him to find her. Alice's best friend Becky is fully supportive, and remains her only contact with the outside world via the occasional telephone call.

But not long after moving in, Alice realizes just how creepy this house is. Bathtubs fill up by themselves to the point of overflowing; there are disembodied voices echoing through the hallways; there are even mysterious messages that appear on her laptop computer screen. Are you scared yet?

Doing a little routine investigation, Alice turns up a box full of home movies that belonged to the previous owner, and like a lazy yet technologically sound Jeff Jefferies, she becomes practically obsessed with them. Throughout their running time, she watches as the relationship between David Woods and his wife Lucy degenerates, thanks to his possessiveness, jealousy, overall creepiness...and probably his inability to put down the camera no matter what. As it turns out, Lucy and Alice's past have a thing or two in common.

With Ben on the loose and the violent past shown on these video tapes, we're unsure as to whether the strange events in the house are the work of a crazed ex-lover or a crazed ex-liver. Whether this was the intention of writer-director McConville or the result of the fact that we really stopped paying attention after the first 30 minutes is up to debate.

It's a decently shot and decently directed film, with decent performances and a decent score, but that's about all the compliments I can give. And that's not even much of a compliment! Very little of interest seemed to be going on as this movie chugged along at a salted slug's pace, and I was hard pressed to make it through to the end. By no means is it the worst movie I've ever seen, and it certainly isn't the best. And that's really what kills it: it's mediocre, run-of-the-mill, pretty standard stuff. Not good enough, or bad enough to be enjoyed, and the sloppy, ambiguous ending would have slaughtered it if it hadn't already slaughtered itself. With all the moody atmosphere, the apparent aim of this film towards an audience with estrogen, and the fact that there wasn't a decent male character to be found anywhere, I honestly thought that I had been duped into watching a Made-For-Lifetime movie.

I wasn't.

But I still feel duped. The poster image shows Brittany Murphy in a bathtub, for Pete's sake! And as it turns out, I've seen more nudity on Superbowl halftime shows.

Let's hope that McConville can do better with his upcoming horror film The Car.




View the trailer below!


2009
Not Rated
89 Minutes
Color
English
United States/Malaysia

As they say in France...Le Yawn.
--J/Metro

Tonight on TCM Underground (12.18.09)

Late tonight/early tomorrow morning (December 18/December 19), Turner Classic Movies' TCM Underground is showing a pair of unusual-sounding films. I'll be setting my DVD-R...how about you?

2:00 AM: Darktown Strutters (1975)
"An all-female biker gang takes off in search of a member's mother."

4:00 AM: Thank God It's Friday (1978)
"Show biz hopefuls flock to the local disco in pursuit of their dreams."

Evil Things (2009)

Evil Things

Written & Directed by Dominic Perez

A funny thing happened last week. A small manilla envelope arrived in the mail, sandwiched between the latest issue of Wizard and the credit card bill. My wife, immediately noticing that the return address belonged to the U.S. Department of Justice, was understandably concerned, asking herself "What the hell has he gotten himself into now?"

Opening the mysterious envelope, I found a very official looking form letter from the above government entity, asking for my assistance in locating five missing persons. Enclosed was a DVD--evidence, really--containing footage of said individuals from their last known whereabouts. Being a good patriot, and an even better couch potato, I plopped ass in front of the television first thing this morning and began my stationary investigation.

If anyone was going to find these poor bastards while eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, it was gonna be me!

Five college-agers are en route to a remote country house to celebrate a birthday with the usual fare--cake, booze, and drunken, tittering jack-assery. While driving, they fall victim to a bit of passive-aggressive road rage from a mysterious someone or someones in an equally-mysterious van. Right off the bat--with the fact that the driver of the other vehicle is never seen, and no matter where our characters go, the van seems to find them--things are relatively tense. The first twenty minutes could be compared to a POV Joy Ride, only with real people instead of pretty plastic ones.

They eventually make it safely to the house, and in what is perhaps a nod to the "found footage" films that came before, takes a brief left turn into Blair Witch territory when the five get themselves good and lost in the woods. There was plenty of virgin snow on the ground, so why they didn't just follow their footsteps back to the house I can't tell you, but that's a minor query at best. In fact, you'll soon forget about it completely, because by the time they find their way out of the trees, it's only a short jaunt before the real horror begins. Remember The Strangers? It's a lot like that, only you feel more like an unwilling participant...not just a guilty watcher.

The entirety of the movie is shot from first person perspective, meaning that we only know what the characters know. We're exposed to the situation just as they are, through the camera lens in manic bursts that aren't always clear. When done improperly, that's the biggest weakness of these sort of films. When done right, that's the greatest strength.

And this one does it right.

Granted, like others who have seen this movie, I was a bit thrown off by the creepy musical score that cropped up on occasion. As this was supposed to be "found footage", added effects like that only defeat the illusion. However, I forgave this quite quickly as it really served to ratchet up the tension. And besides, upon viewing the ending, I think I could explain that away logically without compromising the story. I can't go into that here, though, without giving away too much. In fact, quite a few of my thoughts and comments have already had to be cropped from this review, as it's best if you go into this movie fresh. Maybe sometime later, after more people have seen this fine little film, I'll revisit it for more in depth commentary. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and see it for yourself.

Was it scary? Well, let's put it this way: I watched it in the safety of my own home, in broad daylight, and it creeped the hell out of me. There aren't all that many movies that could lay claim to that.

Visit the official website.


View the trailer below!


--J/Metro

Jack Jekyll & Barrymore Hyde (Vintage Ad)

...one page feature for the John Barrymore version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, lifted from a 1920 issue of Motion Picture Classic magazine...

Slashed Dreams (1975)

Slashed Dreams

Written by James Polakof & James Keach
Directed by James Polakof

Marshall...Ric Carrott
Jenny...Kathrine Baumann
Michael...Robert Englund
Robert...Peter Hooten
Danker...David Pritchard
Levon...James Keach

Jenny and Robert, lifelong best friends and college students in search of meaning in their lives, go off on a whim to the wilderness of Navarro Ridge to visit their old drop-out friend Michael Sutherland, whose solitary commune with nature has supposedly brought him the serenity that he could never find in civilization. Once there, Jenny and Robert are immediately accosted by the prerequisite local nutjob who tries to warn them off. All sorts of "strange things" happen in these parts, after all.

They of course don't listen and continue to Michael's log "cabin", but when they get there, he's nowhere to be found. Who they find instead are a pair of burned-out psycho hippie holdovers with the unlikely names of Danker and Levon ("It's French!") who taunt, torment, attack and assault them in the course of one long day. Michael finally shows up to find his two friends victimized, just in time to make them feel better and witness a pretty pathetic knife fight. And, well...that's about it.

From the generic sounding title, I was expecting your run-of-the-mill slasher flick, something that I could enjoy (albeit guiltily) under the right circumstances. What I found instead was a weak and watered down attempt at exploitation with an uplifting message thrown in for good measure. An attempt that failed on both fronts, I should add.

The acting, while passable, was nothing spectacular and the score was a grating barrage of light pop by the same woman throughout. In a film of a darker mood, perhaps the the punishment that the antagonists received would have worked well enough, but in a film of this stature, a little mud wrestling doesn't seem to be a fitting finale.

Call me crazy, but this steaming pile of celluloid is best left on the shelf. Even the skinny dipping and the presence of Robert "Freddy" Englund isn't enough to recommend this waste.

AKA: Sunburst

1975
Rated R
74 Minutes
Color
English
United States

"A Very Different Kind of Love Story..."
--J/Metro

Fun With Random Name Generators

Not sure if any of you have ever heard of the website, Seventh Sanctum. I know I hadn't, but I accidentally stumbled across it while doing a Google search for the "Jersey Shore" name generator (don't ask). While Seventh Sanctum didn't offer the name generator I was looking for, they did have a whole host of others. I wasted a good hour or so playing around with some of the ones that sounded the most interesting, and thought I would share them with you.

We can waste time together! Isn't that special?

B-Movie Title Generator
Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't drop a few hard-earned dollars to see these films? 

• Destiny of The Cannibal Indestructible People
• The Cannibal Kiss of Davy Crockett
• Beach of Hitler
• Gore and Sensuality
• The Luscious Mystery of Charles Uninhibited
• The Decadent Kiss of Jack the Ripper
• Paul Bunyan meets The Sensual Dolphin
• Brides of Filth
• The Whorehouse of Rage
• Lizzie Borden and Billy The Kid go to The Hollow Earth

Martial Arts Move Generator
Next time some young Hot Topic poser looks at me funny, I'm dropping some science on their pink-skull wearing asses with one of these Wu-Tang approved fatalities.

• Distant Madman Chop of Waters
• Five Guardians Thunder of Ghostly Blocks
• Fourteen Irrational Thieves Knee of Silent Poles
• Great Automaton's Toe of the Glacier
• Phantasmal Cyclone of the Cunning Cat
• Radiant Slam of the Crazy Mouse
• Unwise Destroyer's Stomp of the Leg
• Demonic Choke
• Forbidden Elbow of the Monk
• Tornado of Perfected Letcherous Priests

Disease Generator
I refuse to go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary.  These are the ailments that I would make an exception for. 

• Ghost Madness
• Puking Arse
• Great Chaos Heart
• Unholy Reflux
• Wicked Palsy
• Intestinal Eye
• Stranger's Pestilent Intestines
• Festering Sneeze
• Morbid Foot
• Mummy's Congestive Dance

Superhero/Supervillain Name Generator
Spider-Man?  Bah!  Batman?  Pshaw!  Move over, bitches.  MidMed Comics is taking over with these super-cool characters. 

• Secret Deluder
• Unified Gut
• Foot Assassin
• Time Zombie
• Mister Pi
• Grave Shaker
• Psychosex
• Minister Meat
• Judge Howl
• Dirtgiggle

Cartoon Generator
Cartoons just aren't the same anymore.  I grew up on Scooby Doo, the Smurfs, and Inspector Gadget.  Forget those big-eyed Anime sissies.  These are the shows that I want to see come Saturday Morning.

• Adam Midnight And The Zapmice
• Brock Thunder And The Monkey Fighters
• Mister Flash And The Commandos Of Time
• Dangerbears
• Monster Police
• Teen Monkeys
• Muttbots
• Moonfrogs
• Miss Cosmic And The Astrophantoms
• Ghost Teens

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to design a new costume for Dirtgiggle.  The last one kept falling apart in the rain.

--J/Metro